New Year Gimmick Goes Awry For Local Apple Store

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

CHERRY HILL, N.J. — A local Apple store here were forced to close early yesterday when Apple Inc.’s new advertising campaign, Apples to Apples, resulted in an event that racked up more than $600,000 in damages, according to company sources.

The Apples to Apples campaign for the new year was devised to play on the literality of the company’s name by placing bushels of fresh apples at various points throughout the store, thereby allowing the customers to have a healthy snack while perusing the product offering. Also offered to customers were various apple themed attractions, such as water-bobbing, caramel apple stands and a William Tell impersonator.

At approximately 2:45 p.m., amidst an argument between two college aged men and a customer service associate, one of the college aged men reportedly yelled, “Fuck this store! You Mac people are hoity-toity snobs!”

This outburst was met with the splatter of a Fuji apple against the wall next to him. Furious, the man grabbed a granny smith from a nearby bushel and returned fire. Unfortunately, according to witnesses, this shot missed the original perpetrator and struck an innocent bystander, who, suddenly disgruntled, heaved a honey crisp back, which, in turn, hit another innocent bystander, who also suddenly became disgruntled.

At this point, someone screamed out “Food fight!” and the store descended into chaos.

“It was fun for a minute,” said Apple employee Kyle Bernard as he swept up pieces of what looked like a McIntosh. “It got serious when I saw the first iPad get hit. Apple took it right off the display. I saw it get stepped on twice. Not cool. Then I got hit. Apples aren’t dodgeballs. They fuckin’ hurt.”

There were no serious injuries in the apple fight, though one woman drowned while water-bobbing and one man was shot in the face by the William Tell impersonator with a crossbow.

Apple is currently looking into why the actor was given a real crossbow.

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