New Year Gimmick Goes Awry For Local Apple Store

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

CHERRY HILL, N.J. — A local Apple store here were forced to close early yesterday when Apple Inc.’s new advertising campaign, Apples to Apples, resulted in an event that racked up more than $600,000 in damages, according to company sources.

The Apples to Apples campaign for the new year was devised to play on the literality of the company’s name by placing bushels of fresh apples at various points throughout the store, thereby allowing the customers to have a healthy snack while perusing the product offering. Also offered to customers were various apple themed attractions, such as water-bobbing, caramel apple stands and a William Tell impersonator.

At approximately 2:45 p.m., amidst an argument between two college aged men and a customer service associate, one of the college aged men reportedly yelled, “Fuck this store! You Mac people are hoity-toity snobs!”

This outburst was met with the splatter of a Fuji apple against the wall next to him. Furious, the man grabbed a granny smith from a nearby bushel and returned fire. Unfortunately, according to witnesses, this shot missed the original perpetrator and struck an innocent bystander, who, suddenly disgruntled, heaved a honey crisp back, which, in turn, hit another innocent bystander, who also suddenly became disgruntled.

At this point, someone screamed out “Food fight!” and the store descended into chaos.

“It was fun for a minute,” said Apple employee Kyle Bernard as he swept up pieces of what looked like a McIntosh. “It got serious when I saw the first iPad get hit. Apple took it right off the display. I saw it get stepped on twice. Not cool. Then I got hit. Apples aren’t dodgeballs. They fuckin’ hurt.”

There were no serious injuries in the apple fight, though one woman drowned while water-bobbing and one man was shot in the face by the William Tell impersonator with a crossbow.

Apple is currently looking into why the actor was given a real crossbow.

Man Suing Ophthalmologist for Refusing to Perform Third Eye Corrective Surgery

MOORESTOWN, N.J. — Michael Sanewise, MD, PhD, FAAO, DOOD, FBI, PDF, today faces a lawsuit to the amount of $100 million for declining to perform a revolutionary modified cataract surgery procedure on a patient.

Maxwell Heindel VIII, inventor of the new surgery, approached Dr. Sanewise with the idea in early January 2011, reaching out to one of South Jersey’s brightest ophthalmologists because he “could not perform the procedure on himself.”

“I suppose some of what this lunatic [Heindel] is thinking is founded in actual science. Normal cataract surgery is designed to remove the natural lens of the eye, what we call the ‘crystalline lens’, that has developed an opacification, or cataract,” Sanewise said. “Metabolic changes of the lens fibers over time lead to the development of a cataract, which essentially functions like a fogged up window.”

Heindel’s surgery, which he calls “Shivan Ajna-chakra Cataract Surgery,” or “SAC Surgery,” is an innovative procedure designed to remove the ‘crystalline lens’ of a different eye — the third eye. The lens — nicknamed the “Centuries of Bullshit lens” by Heindel — is “the only obstacle in the way of heavenly enlightenment.”

In Hinduism and Buddhism, the third eye is a symbol of enlightenment. In the Indian tradition, it is referred to as the gyananakashu, “the eye of knowledge,” which is the seat of the “teacher inside,” or antar-guru. It is also spoken of as the gate that leads inside oneself to spaces of higher consciousness. In New Age spirituality, the third eye symbolizes a state of enlightenment. Universally, the third eye is often associated with visions, clairvoyance, precognition and out-of-body experiences.

It is, Heindel claims, localized in the pituitary body and the pineal gland.

“Ages ago when we were still in touch with the inner worlds, these organs were our conduits. Unfortunately, a haze has come over the connection between them and must be removed.”

Heindel also noted that his SAC Surgery would establish the connection of the pineal gland and the pituitary body with the cerebrospinal nervous system, where before it was connected to the sympathetic, or involuntary, nervous system, and would therefore put the renewed clairvoyant powers directly under the patient’s will. He seemed to think that was important.

“Who is he [Sanewise] to deny Man his natural born right?” Heindel said. “Is he God?”

Well over 90% of routine cataract surgeries are successful in restoring useful vision. The operation also boasts a low complication rate.

SAC Surgery, Heindel says, though admittedly likely to have a slightly lower success rate and slightly higher complication rate, is undoubtedly worth the risk.

“The reward is heaven, folks!” he told Sanewise’s staff who had gathered around him at Sanewise’s Moorestown clinic. “Who would have thought the key to the gates of heaven was a simple surgery?”

Sanewise, a hand splashed across his forehead and eyes, could be heard muttering, “What the hell does he want with me?  The pituitary gland? I’m an ophthalmologist, not a neurosurgeon.”

Authorities say Heindel has a case, and that a court date is probable in the coming months.

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