Joe Buck Discovered To Be Android

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

GREEN BAY, Wisc. — International handsome man and sports broadcaster extraordinaire, Joe Buck, was yesterday discovered to be a work of artifice when, while on his way down from the FOX broadcasting booth after Sunday’s NFL playoff game between the New York Giants and the Green Bay Packers, he suffered a catastrophic programming malfunction and froze mid-stride.

According to a passing intern, the artificially manufactured man remained stiff and still in the hallway while tendrils of smoke twirled to the ceiling from his left nostril. Distressed at Buck’s smoking nostril and never-blinking eyes, the intern immediately dialed 911.

The responding paramedics reported further strangeness upon closer examination, including pants soaked with a black liquid later identified as battery acid, a gross weight of 350 lbs, despite the man’s smallish stature and lean build, and a faint clicking sound, at first thought to be his heartbeat, but later surmised to be the bass beat to FOX’s FOX Sports music theme. Buck’s nose continued to expel smoke well into the night, and the faint stink of burnt rubber was ever-present on Buck’s statuesque form, the paramedics said.

The machine formerly known as Joe Buck was expeditiously taken to St. Vincent Hospital under a heavy police escort and news of the incident was kept hush-hush due to the already heightened and widespread fear of a 2012 robot apocalypse.

“We’re going to dissect it to determine what kind of android we could be dealing with,” a police source said, speaking under anonymity. “Knowing whether it’s like Star Trek’s ‘Data,’ Aliens’ ‘Bishop,’ AI’s…Haley Joel Osment character, whatever his name was, or worse, Terminator’s Terminator — knowing what we’re dealing with could give us a big leg up on whatever might be coming.”

Questions concerning when the real Joe Buck was replaced, if there ever was a real Joe Buck, how an android could have kids, whether he was programmed by a New York sports fan and how an android could be so full of itself are currently being asked and have yet to be adequately answered.

God Under Investigation For Fixing Denver Game

CHICAGO — The FBI have formally launched an investigation into the gambling affairs of God the Almighty after the Denver Broncos improbably overcame a 10-0 hole against the Chicago Bears late in the fourth quarter last weekend to win 13-10 in OT.

The authorities were tipped off to suspected foul play when thousands of churches, synagogues and mosques received an unprecedented influx of alms and charitable donations from a sudden rejuvenation of religious fervor by the Abrahamic religious communities. God has reportedly made nearly $7.2 billion over the past week in the aftermath of the spectacular Tebow comeback, according to FBI representatives.

Tebow denied the possibility that his faith in God brought, or continues to bring, any kind of celestial benefit to the team. He said he rather thought that God must have better things to do than to concern Himself with the outcome of NFL games.

The FBI are not overlooking Tebow’s possible involvement. “We’ve got our eyes and ears on him, and an investigation into his involvement may be forthcoming,” said Holden MacGroyn, FBI agent in charge of the investigation.

In other news around the NFL, coaches seem to be sensing an opportunity in this mess. Seeing Denver’s inexplicable success, coaches, including Pete Carroll, Jim Caldwell, Leslie Frazier, Steve Spagnuolo, Pat Shurmur and Mike Shanahan, have ordered their quarterbacks to embrace an immediate practice of celibacy, mannerly speech and habitual prayer in the hopes that God will make them win for no legitimate reason and despite the profound shittiness of their quarterbacks.

Conversely, under advisement from Bill Belichick, Tom Brady has reportedly begun worshipping pentacles, defecating on Bibles and torturing puppies in an effort to rekindle an old bond with Satan.

According to a source in the Patriots organization, Satan has responded by reminding Brady that he had only the one soul to sell, and that being the case, will not step in to help. The source opted to remain nameless for his own safety.

Green Bay quarterback, Aaron Rogers, when asked about the current trend, commented only by saying that he was curious if even God would be able to beat him.

God Bored With Seeing Only The Good NFL Teams Winning This Year

CHICAGO — After the Denver Broncos wiggled out of another ugly, they’re-definitely-going-to-lose game against the Bears with an unscriptable W last night, God appeared to distraught Bears fans in a local downtown bar to apologize and say that he was just tired of seeing only the good teams win in the NFL.

“I’m sorry guys, I know; in a sane world, there’s no way in hell that Tebow could have pulled that one out of his ass… again. I know, you’re right. You’re goddamn tootin’ I had something to do with it. I’m just so fed up with seeing teams like the Patriots repeat dominant seasons, over and over and over.”

God went on to explain how last year he thought Lions fans had suffered long enough, that in the offseason he had spent a lot of time up in Detroit waving his magic wand behind the scenes to get that horrible program on the turnaround.

“I split my time between Detroit and Buffalo most of that offseason,” the Almighty told McOwlerson reporters.

“And then this kid Tebow comes in to play for an injured Kyle Orton — and I thought, what the hell?” God continued. “He’s a sweet kid, a big fan of mine, has a lot of heart — sure he’s probably the worst quarterback I’ve seen in the NFL since Donovan McNabb — worse even; but why not?”

God declined to comment on, if not quite wholly the Lions, how the Bills, even with His help, seem to be sliding back into their old shit pile of shittiness.

“Next, I’m looking at the Eagles,” God said, slowly disappearing into a shining pillar of sparkling heavenly light. “You think they’re out of it? If I were a betting man…”

Eagles Fans Petition League For All-Indianapolis Schedule Next Year

 

PHILADELPHIA — A local Philadelphia Eagles fan yesterday presented a petition to a visiting Roger Goodell, commissioner of the National Football League, listing over 100 million signatures advocating a 2012 schedule for the Eagles that would consist entirely of games against the Indianapolis Colts.

The Colts, as of this week, continue their utterly defeated season, last weekend falling to 0-12 in their 31-24 loss to the Patriots, and are considered by all across the league, especially Eagles’s fans, to be an automatic win.

“We’re desperate to get back to our age-old pastime of blowing it in the playoffs,” Dan Morgan, orchestrator and initiator of the petition, told McOwlerson reporters.

“For the fans of this great Philadelphia football team, this blowing it in the regular season bullshit just isn’t cutting it. There are over 100 million names on this list. That’s almost a third of the entire U.S. population and over half of the NFL’s total viewership. America has spoken, Mr. Goodell! They want the Eagles in the playoffs next season and every season after that. One hundred million!”

The petition, which has been signed by Jeff Laurie, Andy Reid, Howard Mudd, Juan Castello, Michael Vick, Lesean McCoy and the rest of the Eagles organization, has come under immediate fire from the NFL fanatical community at large, demanding the authentication of all 100 million signatures, citing that there are not even 100 million Eagles fans in existence.

When pressed by this inaccuracy, Mr. Morgan allowed that some aspects of the petition may have been exaggerated.

“Some people signed twice,” he admitted. “Okay, three times. They really wanted to make the point, though…Okay, some of us signed a bunch of times. Oh, and there may be some fake names on there, too.”

As he said this, a nearby Lions fan promptly handed him a tissue, muttered “amateur” under his breath and walked away.

“I keep hearing around here, ‘Oh if we could only play the Colts—If we could only play the Colts,’” a Philadelphia local Colts fan said. “One: Fuck you. Two: What does it say about your team if you’re wishing they could be playing the shittiest team in the league? Three: If my memory serves me correctly, and I think it does, Philly has a longstanding tradition of, even when they’re good, losing to the shittiest team in the league. Ergo, I can say with confidence that, had we been scheduled to play each other, the Eagles would have undoubtedly been our first and probably only win of the season. Oh, and four: Fuck you!”

As of publication of this article, Mr. Goodell has yet to provide a formal response to the petition.

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