New Company Policy To Boost Productivity Backfires

Mundanity Corp. is currently under fire for implementing a risqué ‘hump-day’ policy.

WEST DEPTFORD, N.J. — In response to plummeting employee morale over the bizarre kidnapping of one of their own, Owlie McOwlerson, back in January, head honchos of Mundanity Corporation issued a racy new stress-releasing policy this month. Under the new rule, every Wednesday employees are now required to have sexual relations with at least one of their coworkers.

Hump-day was originally conceived as a term to describe the point in the week which marks the passing of the midway point, as in “over the hump and all downhill now”; however, the ‘hump’ in hump-day can also be used to describe a pelvic thrust, as performed during sex. Synonyms for this ‘hump’ include porking, ramming, riding, railing, running-her-through, banging, slamming and pounding.

Repercussions for disobeying the new policy consist of disciplinary action up to and including termination of employment.

However, company officers did not foresee the blowback that thereafter arose.

Reports of herpes, crabs, Chlamydia, Syphilis and Gonorrhea have risen exponentially, and the spike is projected to incur a substantial strain on the company’s health insurance benefit system.

Employee pregnancies have also spiked, which, for a company consisting primarily of women, will translate into a debilitating lack of manpower in approximately 9 months.

Also since the policy’s implementation, the company has suffered from an epidemic of divorces, child custody hearings and post-break-up depression as employees’ personal lives began and continue to deteriorate. An explosion of office drama in the form of love triangles, love squares, love pentagons and one love Star of David has also handicapped employee productivity.

The company’s profit margins are slipping under the cost of providing “inciting media material”, lubricants, an on-call cleaning and sterilization crew and crates upon crates of condoms, which continues to be the number on company expenditure despite an off-the-books deal with Trojan Inc. and Ron Jeremy Films.

On a positive note, job applications to the company have skyrocketed to more than seven times the monthly average. Experts hypothesize that this influx is due to the recently created and mysterious positions of Pleasure Manager and Lay Specialist.

Company representatives declined to comment on the positions’ job details, but did mention that the interview process had been “modified” to accommodate the specialized nature of the job, and now requires several additional rounds of interviews.

Follow this story from the beginning:

Birds Involved In Human Kidnapping Suffer Fowl Play

Man Kidnapped By Squadron Of Egrets

New Lead In Egret Kidnapping Case: Victim Spotted In Europe

Birds Involved in Human Kidnapping Suffer Fowl Play

Egrets had their captive stolen from them in a double-cross, the FBI said.

One of the suspected S.W.A.R.M. members on his way to get coffee at the Nectar Ecstasy Café in South Tangerang, Java, Indonesia. |Image via Wikipedia|

HONK KONG — Owlie McOwlerson, who was kidnapped from a courtyard outside of where he worked in New Jersey and smuggled into Europe, earlier this week found himself captive to an entirely different species of fowl, according to the FBI.

“On Tuesday, January 31st, the Egrets met with a S.W.A.R.M. organization of hummingbirds with the intent of trading McOwlerson for a cargo ship’s worth of trout,” FBI agent Holden MacGroyn reported at a news conference held earlier this week. It was only after the exchange, MacGroyn explained, that the Egrets learned the cargo ship was full of Pokémon trading cards, not trout. By then, the hummingbirds were leagues away.

“We tracked the S.W.A.R.M. group to Indonesia where we believe Mr. McOwlerson again changed hands,” said MacGroyn. “The identity of the new captors is at this point unknown. All we do know is that the hummingbirds received over a thousand barrels of sweet tropical nectar in payment.”

Usually restricted to North and South America, the FBI is trying to ascertain why the hummingbirds have suddenly appeared in Southeast Asia, and why they are dabbling in human trafficking.

“It’s sad,” said McOwlerson’s Mundanity Corp. coworker, Jim Clark. “Or genius. All Owlie needs is an expert on all things fowl. Was it a coincidence that they took the guy who knew the most about them? I think not. If you ask me, Owlie’s the only one that can save Owlie.”

More than six weeks after McOwlerson’s abduction, employee morale at Mundanity continues to fall, according to Clark.

Agent MacGroyn concluded the teleconference by saying, “We are utilizing every resource we have at our disposal to track Mr. McOwlerson. This is no joke, people. The communists are out there. Be afraid. And Owlie, if you’re watching this, listen up. Don’t drink the water, always choose the blue pill, never trust a squirrel, don’t pee into the wind, a penny saved is a penny earned and stay thirsty, my friend, we’re coming for you.”

Follow this story from the beginning:

Man Kidnapped By Squadron Of Egrets

New Lead In Egret Kidnapping Case: Victim Spotted In Europe

Hysteria Over Imagined Iranian Invasion Strikes NC Beach

Hallucinogens and a New Jersey vacationer were implicit in causing a small riot which resulted in over $3 million in property damage, township officials said.

EMERALD ISLE, N.C. — New Jersey local, Gary Fineburg, 26, last night caused a mass panic in the streets of this sleepy little shore town when he proposed to a stranger he had met while strolling the beach a scenario in which thousands of battleships were appearing on the horizon.

Unfortunately for him, and the town, the stranger happened to be under the influence of Psilocybin mushrooms and mistook Mr. Fineburg’s marijuana-induced hypothetical for the here-and-now truth. The man, last seen in a local CVS purchasing several Nyquil bottles and a bag of Skittles, immediately jumped up from his seat on the deck of Mr. Fineburg’s vacation rental home and ran all the way to the mainland raising the alarm in what several witnesses described as feverish panic.

Hugo Martin, 32, one of the first to hear the dire warnings, said, “Somebody screams ‘We’re under attack!  It’s the Iranians! We’re being invaded! Iran is storming the beach!’ like he did and, what, you’re not going to listen to him?”

Along with a small group of other passersby, upon hearing the warnings Martin threw his car in reverse, made a sloppy K-turn and floored it for home.

Soon after, a mob attacked the local Food Lion, ransacking shelves and smashing windows. Despite the apparent reckless abandon evident in the destruction, authorities found half a dozen apology notes scrawled on sheets ripped from stolen paper towel rolls.

“I’m really sorry about this. I meant no harm, but everyone else was doing it. I don’t know what came over me,” one note said. The other notes more or less echoed this sentiment.

Several other isolated incidents of looting were reported at local stores and residences on the island including one in which someone broke into the local Petsmart and stole all the puppies.

“It’s strange that this could have happened,” said Art Schools, Mayor of Emerald Isle. “It’s such a ridiculous thing to go psycho over — why would you automatically believe someone running around and screaming like a lunatic? And it’s the middle of winter; we don’t get many renters this time of year. There couldn’t be more than 400 people around. How was this much damage caused? Fuckin’ Jersey people…”

Mr. Fineburg expressed very little regret over the incident, citing that it was his vacation and that he was in too much of a good mood to care about what he had allegedly started. Instead, he lounged with McOwlerson reporters on the deck of the house his family had rented for the week, cozy in a heavy jacket and blanket, and gestured out at the blackness of the night ocean with a bemused, carefree air about him.

“Seriously, though, man. What would you do?” he said between drags on his hand-rolled joint. “It’s a fuckload of battleships coming right at you, like D-day at Normandy, and they’re all about ready to unload on the area. What do you do? Run? No! You bang your girl, pop open another beer and wish you wouldn’t have dicked around so much in your life…because that many battleships, man…you can’t escape that — it’s like a tsunami; by the time you see it coming, you’re fucked.”

The unidentified man who ran maniacally through the streets is currently sought for disturbing the peace, and township officials urge anyone with relevant information to contact local law enforcement.

New Lead in Egret Kidnapping Case: Victim Spotted in Europe

Authorities are stumped over how the birds managed to carry a whole human being across the Atlantic.

One of the perpetrators outside of Marseille. Egrets are known as water waders and are normally very docile creatures. There is no record of any previous Egret-Human kidnapping cases.

STUTTGART, Ger. — A man matching the description Owlie McOwlerson, the victim of a bizarre animal kidnapping last month, was this week glimpsed at a biergarten in Germany. This is the first sign of McOwlerson since he was taken from Mundanity Corporation grounds where he works in New Jersey last month.

At around 9:00 PM local standard time yesterday, frequenters of Biergarten Brunnenstüble in Stuttgart were puzzled to see a dirty, unshaven man walk through the door and approach the bar in stocking feet where he ordered, in English, a Dos Equis beer, which isn’t sold in Germany.

Lars Kristopherssen, the bartender, remarked that McOwlerson sat at the bar, smiled, began telling Kristopherssen that he didn’t always drink beer, but when he did, he preferred Dos Equis. When Kristopherssen explained that they did not sell Dos Equis, McOwlerson responded by saying in German, “This is my friend. My name is Owlie. And this is my friend.”

Which was curious, Kristopherssen said, because he was alone and appeared to have been mugged.

Gretta von Strudel, a regular at Biergarten Brunnenstüble who understood a bit of English, said that McOwlerson then proceeded to ask each of the patrons about their hobbies.

“I not have guessed he was in trouble,” von Strudel conceded when asked about the state of McOwlerson. “His spirits were very high. He smile and joke and snap his fingers, snap! snap! snap! like so. And he wink and click tongue at me.”

McOwlerson’s visit did not last long, however. According to von Strudel, approximately ten minutes after his arrival, a score of big white birds burst into the room and swarmed the at-one-time-well-dressed American, dragging him out by the shoulders of his clubbing shirt. Onlookers could only look on. McOwlerson did not seem to resist, but rather could be heard saying, “Stay thirsty, my friends!” over the vigorously flapping wings.

At the scene, McOwlerson caught up with Holden MacGroyn, the FBI agent in charge of McOwlerson’s case, who arrived only hours after the incident.

“Similar sightings have occurred in Lisbon, Barcelona, Marseille, Milan and now, of course, Stuttgart,” MacGroyn said, adding that he believed that communists were behind the abduction and that McOwlerson’s political affiliations were currently under investigation.

“Those damn commies have no honor,” continued MacGroyn. “They have no marbles! Training birds for abduction missions? Crazy bastards. They’ll feel the crisp backhand of democratic Justice, or I am not Holden MacGroyn. You can quote me on that.”

MacGroyn also hinted at the possibility of a greater conspiracy involving a cat, a eunuch, an apostrophe, Ricky Martin and the Middle East, but declined to elaborate on their interconnectivity.

To follow this story from the beginning, see Man Kidnapped By Squadron Of Egrets.

Man Kidnapped by Squadron of Egrets

WEST DEPTFORD, N.J. — A South Jersey man was nabbed yesterday from Mundanity Corporation company grounds by a swarm of lithe white birds, a city law enforcement official said.

At approximately 12:39 PM, Owlie McOwlerson, 31, an IT support employee for Mundanity Corp., received a phone call during his lunch hour from Jonathan Goldsmith, the actor who plays the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” in the beer company’s TV advertisements, for which he stepped out into the courtyard to take. After several minutes of giving Goldsmith pointers on how the most interesting man in the world would act, witnesses saw the first of over a dozen birds swoop down.

“I thought it was trash at first, and I was like, ‘Yes! Somebody’s on the roof throwing trash at Owlie! My day is redeemed!’” said Robin Vadel, a coworker, after the first few dive-bombs.

The horror etched in McOwlerson’s face spoke of something much worse.

According to John Leibrand, McOwlerson’s direct supervisor, who had the best view of the assault, McOwlerson, upon acknowledging his danger, broke his Calvin Klein pose, jumped over the patio table and made a run for it. Unfortunately, one of the birds — which were later, after much debate, identified as Egrets — crashed into the top of his head, causing him to lose his balance and fall. The rest were on him in seconds.

“They were like boom, boom, boom, all over him, all frantic and feathery,” said Caitlin Langley, another coworker.

A third coworker, Jim Clark, sitting closest to the door, attempted a rushed rescue, but only arrived in time to watch the birds carry McOwlerson out of reach, hefting him higher and higher with furiously flapping wings and menacing squawks, McOwlerson screaming something about how he only enjoyed watching birds.

“When I got there, all that was left of him was his shoes,” Clark said afterward.  “Why did they leave his shoes?” Custom made in Egypt, the shoes are made of genuine crocodile leather and reportedly priced at over $7,000.

A few minutes later, Owlie McOwlerson was gone from sight, disappearing over the tree line.

According to witnesses, the birds were last seen heading southeast away from the company complex.

“Let me tell you,” said Clark, “that was an interesting 911 call to make. Try telling the person on the other end that a whole human is currently, real-time, no lie, being kidnapped by birds. It’s horrible, but I couldn’t stop laughing.”

Authorities have contacted McOwlerson’s family and are presently awaiting ransom demands.

For more on this story, see New Lead In Egret Kidnapping Case: Victim Spotted In Europe.

%d bloggers like this: