Birds Involved in Human Kidnapping Suffer Fowl Play

Egrets had their captive stolen from them in a double-cross, the FBI said.

One of the suspected S.W.A.R.M. members on his way to get coffee at the Nectar Ecstasy Café in South Tangerang, Java, Indonesia. |Image via Wikipedia|

HONK KONG — Owlie McOwlerson, who was kidnapped from a courtyard outside of where he worked in New Jersey and smuggled into Europe, earlier this week found himself captive to an entirely different species of fowl, according to the FBI.

“On Tuesday, January 31st, the Egrets met with a S.W.A.R.M. organization of hummingbirds with the intent of trading McOwlerson for a cargo ship’s worth of trout,” FBI agent Holden MacGroyn reported at a news conference held earlier this week. It was only after the exchange, MacGroyn explained, that the Egrets learned the cargo ship was full of Pokémon trading cards, not trout. By then, the hummingbirds were leagues away.

“We tracked the S.W.A.R.M. group to Indonesia where we believe Mr. McOwlerson again changed hands,” said MacGroyn. “The identity of the new captors is at this point unknown. All we do know is that the hummingbirds received over a thousand barrels of sweet tropical nectar in payment.”

Usually restricted to North and South America, the FBI is trying to ascertain why the hummingbirds have suddenly appeared in Southeast Asia, and why they are dabbling in human trafficking.

“It’s sad,” said McOwlerson’s Mundanity Corp. coworker, Jim Clark. “Or genius. All Owlie needs is an expert on all things fowl. Was it a coincidence that they took the guy who knew the most about them? I think not. If you ask me, Owlie’s the only one that can save Owlie.”

More than six weeks after McOwlerson’s abduction, employee morale at Mundanity continues to fall, according to Clark.

Agent MacGroyn concluded the teleconference by saying, “We are utilizing every resource we have at our disposal to track Mr. McOwlerson. This is no joke, people. The communists are out there. Be afraid. And Owlie, if you’re watching this, listen up. Don’t drink the water, always choose the blue pill, never trust a squirrel, don’t pee into the wind, a penny saved is a penny earned and stay thirsty, my friend, we’re coming for you.”

Follow this story from the beginning:

Man Kidnapped By Squadron Of Egrets

New Lead In Egret Kidnapping Case: Victim Spotted In Europe

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Comments

  1. Friggin hilarious

  2. Reblogged this on dou dou birds and commented:
    “stay thirsty, my friend, we’re coming for you.”” OMG that CRACKED me up

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