New Tabloid To Spill The Beans On Other Tabloids

NGE photographers capturing the paparazzi.

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — A new tabloid, The National Gossipers Enquirer, will soon be launching with the intent of exploiting the secret lives of existing tabloids and their staffs, according to a random press release.

Promising to “give the scoop on those giving the scoop,” The National Gossipers Enquirer (NGE) stands poised as a first-of-its-kind publication. Editor-in-chief and founder, Jean Luc Arteta, says his magazine’s sole purpose is to “uncover the dirt on those digging up the dirt.”

“The National Gossip Enquirer was created to show that those who pester celebrities are real people too, and do real people things, such as washing valium down with vodka and passing out in a puddle of their own urine,” Mr. Arteta said in his tiny office off Sunset Boulevard. “We’ll have paparazzi stalking paparazzi stalking celebrities, and we’ll have paparazzi stalking paparazzi on their downtime.”

Mr. Arteta describes this brand of news as “mustard journalism.”

“It’s not quite yellow journalism,” he told McOwlerson reporters, “but it’s damn close. I also happen to think mustard is delicious and a great color. Actually, it really doesn’t have that much to do with the type of reporting we’ll be doing, now that I think about it. Maybe we’ll change the name to ScuttleBums and the Case of the Dirty Laundry. That’s going to be our first book name, anyway. Hmm, I guess I should let my team know we’re doing a book.”

Like its rumor-mongering counterparts, Star and The Sun, NGE will have a full-feature website, to which it will post pictures and video clips of other shutterbugs and writers not only at their places of employment, but also (primarily) off the job, on the streets, presumably in various states of undress or intoxication.

“Basically, we aim to provide baseless speculation on all card-carrying members of paparazzi, as it relates to their extramarital affairs, drug usage and vacation spots, as well as any alleged illegitimate offspring. It’s gonna be as libelous and defamatory as we can manage it, and that’ll be killer,” Mr. Arteta said.

Mr. Arteta got the idea for NGE quite by accident, he said.

“I was in line at Kroger, and this lady behind me, she said, ‘Maybe they should do a magazine about people who produce magazines!’ I hope she doesn’t read this and realize she lost out on what could end up being a billion dollar a year venture.”

The press release, which went viral prior to the official announcement of the publication, was found on Paparazziruuuuuuuuulez.net and gathered some 4 million hits in the 36 hours following its appearance in a trolling comment on the tech website Gizmodo.com.

The first edition of NGE is set to hit newsstands next month and can be ignored accordingly.  —by Alex Schelldorf

Scandal! Non-Nude Photos of Vanessa Hudgens Uncovered

LOS ANGELES — Photos surfaced yesterday of a fully clothed Vanessa Hudgens. The photos were, according to sources, leaked from her own Blackberry account and show Hudgens in various states of dress including a long maxi dress and cardigan, a turtleneck, and jeans and a hoodie.

“We are deeply hurt by this violation of trust and we hope that fans will continue to support Miss Hudgens through this trying time,” Hudgens’s publicist said.

Stephen J. Tweedvest, PhD, professor of Gossip Analytics at Beverly Hills County College, hypothesized that these photos could prove quite damaging to the fading starlet’s career.

“This was unfortunate for Miss Hudgens because, as a former teen star, her status as a celebrity in the minds of Americans has only been staying afloat through systematic injections of self-captured portraits of her cute little tits,” Dr. Tweedvest said in an interview with McOwlerson. “With these new photos of her exposing the sophisticated, mature and respectable sides of her personality, Americans may begin to take her seriously as a member of society and ultimately lose interest.”

Known for her accidental mass texting of private pictures, one can only hope that this incident will pass quickly and the High School Musical star can get back to what she loves most: being nude.  —by Caitlin Langley

New Jersey Strikes Back Against Jersey Shore Show

A new reality show is set to launch this fall to counter the growing national misconceptions of the Garden State caused by the widely popular MTV show.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie pontificating on the evils of Jersey Shore.

TRENTON, N.J. — In concurrence with action taken in September of last year to cut $420,000 in tax credits that would have otherwise been allotted to 495 Productions, the company responsible for producing Jersey Shore, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R) has thrown his support behind a new reality show in production from PBS.

The series, entitled Jersey Core, will reportedly follow a group of young up-and-coming New Jerseyans who work hard at important jobs, contribute to society and date wholesome, like-minded individuals. The cast members of Jersey Core are also reported to be able to drink moderately, avoid urinating behind bars, have un-annoying voices, a respectable grasp of English grammar and healthy relationships with their families and friends.

“Too bad nobody’s going to watch,” said Jim Clark, 25, a New Jersey local. “It sounds boring. And who wants to watch a bunch of goody-two-shoes snobs live a better life than you, anyway? No, give me Snookie floating in a puddle of her own vomit. At least that makes me feel good about myself.”

Tweety-Pie, Dead at 70

LOS ANGELES — The insufferably sweet yellow canary, Tweety, died yesterday in his Beverly Hills mansion of a cocaine overdose, according to sources at the Beverly Hills Police Department.

At approximately 11:21 PM PST last night, 911 dispatchers received a hectic call from an unidentified woman describing the alarmingly still, mostly-limp body of the 70 year old cartoon animal star.

Upon arriving at the mansion, Sergeant Dick McDiddlesson of the Beverly Hills Police Department found the Warner Brothers icon sprawled between the bare breasts of an unconscious Rodeo Drive hooker, a tiny string tied around his throat and a very small ball-gag stuffed in his beak.

“That just blows my mind,” Sergeant McDiddlesson told McOwlerson. “I grew up on Tweety’s cartoons. I let my son watch them. He loves them. I guess everyone’s got a bit of a fetishy side, but… It’s just a lot to take in. I mean, on the one hand, Tweety’s dead! And on the other hand, he’s a freak. Hookers and blow? How can I let my kid watch Looney Toons anymore? I just feel a little betrayed. I feel a lot of things, right now.”

Upon autopsy, Tweety was confirmed, to the shock of millions, to be a hermaphrodite.

Moreover, according to the coroner’s report, the on-screen little bundle of innocence had been pregnant at the time of his death.

Despite a high-pitched voice and long, batty eyelashes, Warner Brothers had insisted since the beginning that Tweety was a little boy bird. However, there has been much speculation on the matter by the general public.

“Of coursthe I’d alwaysth wondered about him…er…it,” Tweety’s longtime cast mate and next door neighbor, Sylvester, said. “I thought I’d had him figured when I sthaw him there on top of that hooker — he had a helluva pecker for a bird histh sthize, and it wasth sthtill hard asth hell — but, sufferin’ succotash! — I did not sthee the hermaphroditic call coming.”

Warner Brothers declined to comment on their 70-year cover-up of Tweety’s sex; they only expressed their sorrow over the loss of such an integral member of their team.

Jersey Shore Stars Lobby Congress For Equal Opportunity Tanning

WASHINGTON – The cast of the hit MTV reality show Jersey Shore met with Congress yesterday to lobby for the repeal of a new law prohibiting minors from using tanning beds without parental consent.

The eight self-proclaimed guidos and guidettes, known for their excessive tans, fake breasts, stifling colognes and abundant use of steroids, claimed that the new laws forbidding children under the age of 18 from using tanning beds without parental permission are impeding their money-making opportunities via sponsorship contracts with Hollywood Tans, Healthy Tans and Glow.

“Like, it’s bullshit,” Jenni “JWoww” Farley explained. “The French let their little French 5-year olds drink wine, but young Americans aren’t allowed to look good? What the fuck is that?”

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, another cast mate, concurred. “I know if I was a teenager trying to smash on girls, this would be a major problem for me. I live by GTL – Gym, Tan, Laundry. You can’t take away the ‘T’. Who’s ever heard of GL? Not this guy.”

Seven of the eight cast members arrived at the Capitol Building on Wednesday morning to make their case. The eighth, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, arrived late due to minor confusion over the location of the hearing.

“I was like, ‘What the hell? Where is everybody?’” she explained to a McOwlerson reporter afterward. “Then Ronnie hit me up and was like, ‘Bitch, where are you?’ and I was like, ‘Bitch, I’m in the lobby. Where are you?’ and he was like, ‘Slut, I’m at the hearing. Why you just waitin’ in the lobby?’ and I was like, ‘What the fuck? I thought we were lobbyin’ these people!’”

Despite the setback, the cast succeeded in making their case, and after a three hour long hearing on the merits of teen tanning, Congress ended the session even firmer in their resolve to ban the activity to underage youths, voting down New Jersey Senator Sean T. Cain’s (R) proposal to revise the law by a tally of 534-1 in one of the quickest and most lopsided resolutions in Congress’s recent history. 

%d bloggers like this: