Birds Involved in Human Kidnapping Suffer Fowl Play

Egrets had their captive stolen from them in a double-cross, the FBI said.

One of the suspected S.W.A.R.M. members on his way to get coffee at the Nectar Ecstasy Café in South Tangerang, Java, Indonesia. |Image via Wikipedia|

HONK KONG — Owlie McOwlerson, who was kidnapped from a courtyard outside of where he worked in New Jersey and smuggled into Europe, earlier this week found himself captive to an entirely different species of fowl, according to the FBI.

“On Tuesday, January 31st, the Egrets met with a S.W.A.R.M. organization of hummingbirds with the intent of trading McOwlerson for a cargo ship’s worth of trout,” FBI agent Holden MacGroyn reported at a news conference held earlier this week. It was only after the exchange, MacGroyn explained, that the Egrets learned the cargo ship was full of Pokémon trading cards, not trout. By then, the hummingbirds were leagues away.

“We tracked the S.W.A.R.M. group to Indonesia where we believe Mr. McOwlerson again changed hands,” said MacGroyn. “The identity of the new captors is at this point unknown. All we do know is that the hummingbirds received over a thousand barrels of sweet tropical nectar in payment.”

Usually restricted to North and South America, the FBI is trying to ascertain why the hummingbirds have suddenly appeared in Southeast Asia, and why they are dabbling in human trafficking.

“It’s sad,” said McOwlerson’s Mundanity Corp. coworker, Jim Clark. “Or genius. All Owlie needs is an expert on all things fowl. Was it a coincidence that they took the guy who knew the most about them? I think not. If you ask me, Owlie’s the only one that can save Owlie.”

More than six weeks after McOwlerson’s abduction, employee morale at Mundanity continues to fall, according to Clark.

Agent MacGroyn concluded the teleconference by saying, “We are utilizing every resource we have at our disposal to track Mr. McOwlerson. This is no joke, people. The communists are out there. Be afraid. And Owlie, if you’re watching this, listen up. Don’t drink the water, always choose the blue pill, never trust a squirrel, don’t pee into the wind, a penny saved is a penny earned and stay thirsty, my friend, we’re coming for you.”

Follow this story from the beginning:

Man Kidnapped By Squadron Of Egrets

New Lead In Egret Kidnapping Case: Victim Spotted In Europe

Hysteria Over Imagined Iranian Invasion Strikes NC Beach

Hallucinogens and a New Jersey vacationer were implicit in causing a small riot which resulted in over $3 million in property damage, township officials said.

EMERALD ISLE, N.C. — New Jersey local, Gary Fineburg, 26, last night caused a mass panic in the streets of this sleepy little shore town when he proposed to a stranger he had met while strolling the beach a scenario in which thousands of battleships were appearing on the horizon.

Unfortunately for him, and the town, the stranger happened to be under the influence of Psilocybin mushrooms and mistook Mr. Fineburg’s marijuana-induced hypothetical for the here-and-now truth. The man, last seen in a local CVS purchasing several Nyquil bottles and a bag of Skittles, immediately jumped up from his seat on the deck of Mr. Fineburg’s vacation rental home and ran all the way to the mainland raising the alarm in what several witnesses described as feverish panic.

Hugo Martin, 32, one of the first to hear the dire warnings, said, “Somebody screams ‘We’re under attack!  It’s the Iranians! We’re being invaded! Iran is storming the beach!’ like he did and, what, you’re not going to listen to him?”

Along with a small group of other passersby, upon hearing the warnings Martin threw his car in reverse, made a sloppy K-turn and floored it for home.

Soon after, a mob attacked the local Food Lion, ransacking shelves and smashing windows. Despite the apparent reckless abandon evident in the destruction, authorities found half a dozen apology notes scrawled on sheets ripped from stolen paper towel rolls.

“I’m really sorry about this. I meant no harm, but everyone else was doing it. I don’t know what came over me,” one note said. The other notes more or less echoed this sentiment.

Several other isolated incidents of looting were reported at local stores and residences on the island including one in which someone broke into the local Petsmart and stole all the puppies.

“It’s strange that this could have happened,” said Art Schools, Mayor of Emerald Isle. “It’s such a ridiculous thing to go psycho over — why would you automatically believe someone running around and screaming like a lunatic? And it’s the middle of winter; we don’t get many renters this time of year. There couldn’t be more than 400 people around. How was this much damage caused? Fuckin’ Jersey people…”

Mr. Fineburg expressed very little regret over the incident, citing that it was his vacation and that he was in too much of a good mood to care about what he had allegedly started. Instead, he lounged with McOwlerson reporters on the deck of the house his family had rented for the week, cozy in a heavy jacket and blanket, and gestured out at the blackness of the night ocean with a bemused, carefree air about him.

“Seriously, though, man. What would you do?” he said between drags on his hand-rolled joint. “It’s a fuckload of battleships coming right at you, like D-day at Normandy, and they’re all about ready to unload on the area. What do you do? Run? No! You bang your girl, pop open another beer and wish you wouldn’t have dicked around so much in your life…because that many battleships, man…you can’t escape that — it’s like a tsunami; by the time you see it coming, you’re fucked.”

The unidentified man who ran maniacally through the streets is currently sought for disturbing the peace, and township officials urge anyone with relevant information to contact local law enforcement.

%d bloggers like this: