New Company Policy To Boost Productivity Backfires

Mundanity Corp. is currently under fire for implementing a risqué ‘hump-day’ policy.

WEST DEPTFORD, N.J. — In response to plummeting employee morale over the bizarre kidnapping of one of their own, Owlie McOwlerson, back in January, head honchos of Mundanity Corporation issued a racy new stress-releasing policy this month. Under the new rule, every Wednesday employees are now required to have sexual relations with at least one of their coworkers.

Hump-day was originally conceived as a term to describe the point in the week which marks the passing of the midway point, as in “over the hump and all downhill now”; however, the ‘hump’ in hump-day can also be used to describe a pelvic thrust, as performed during sex. Synonyms for this ‘hump’ include porking, ramming, riding, railing, running-her-through, banging, slamming and pounding.

Repercussions for disobeying the new policy consist of disciplinary action up to and including termination of employment.

However, company officers did not foresee the blowback that thereafter arose.

Reports of herpes, crabs, Chlamydia, Syphilis and Gonorrhea have risen exponentially, and the spike is projected to incur a substantial strain on the company’s health insurance benefit system.

Employee pregnancies have also spiked, which, for a company consisting primarily of women, will translate into a debilitating lack of manpower in approximately 9 months.

Also since the policy’s implementation, the company has suffered from an epidemic of divorces, child custody hearings and post-break-up depression as employees’ personal lives began and continue to deteriorate. An explosion of office drama in the form of love triangles, love squares, love pentagons and one love Star of David has also handicapped employee productivity.

The company’s profit margins are slipping under the cost of providing “inciting media material”, lubricants, an on-call cleaning and sterilization crew and crates upon crates of condoms, which continues to be the number on company expenditure despite an off-the-books deal with Trojan Inc. and Ron Jeremy Films.

On a positive note, job applications to the company have skyrocketed to more than seven times the monthly average. Experts hypothesize that this influx is due to the recently created and mysterious positions of Pleasure Manager and Lay Specialist.

Company representatives declined to comment on the positions’ job details, but did mention that the interview process had been “modified” to accommodate the specialized nature of the job, and now requires several additional rounds of interviews.

Follow this story from the beginning:

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