Angry Baby Throws Tantrum After New Hampshire Primary

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich playing Mouse Trap. (image via Wikipedia)

MANCHESTER, N.H. — When the New Hampshire primary results arrived at the Radisson Hotel, serving as Newt Gingrich’s headquarters, late last night, an inconsolable squalling overwhelmed the atmosphere there and an angry baby ran rampant through the ballroom red-faced, throwing things and punching people on the arm, according to reports.

With 95% of precincts reporting, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney stepped out of the contest with a convincing victory, winning 40% of the vote, followed by Texas Rep. Ron Paul with 23% and former Utah Gov. and U.S. Ambassador Jon Huntsman with 17%, leaving the former House Speaker with a disappointing fourth place finish and only 10% of the vote.

According to witnesses, the staff tried everything to calm the angry baby down, including attempts at feeding it, changing its diaper, giving it its blankie, jingling keys in front of its face and rocking it gently while singing soft, soothing lullabies. They also reportedly promised it ice cream and a brand new Harry Potter action figure. One desperate woman even offered it her teat, but achieved nothing more than a short pause and a double-take.

After nearly an hour of the tantrum, the staff finally seemed to mollify the baby with a game of Mouse Trap. According to one of the players, the baby giggled happily when it ruthlessly defeated him. Unfortunately, its success did not last, and when it was finally eliminated from the game, it degraded back into a squealing, howling rage and the staff resigned themselves to letting it cry itself to sleep.

New Birth Certificate Proves Obama is Anti-Christ

WASHINGTON — In a dastardly turn of events today, President Barack Obama’s real birth certificate was discovered and made public to the entire nation. The document, pilfered from the president’s sock drawer at Camp David, was scanned and distributed across the internet early this morning.

As printed on the document, Obama is now revealed to be “Damien Barack Hussein Obama” much to the dismay of Americans and the Christian and Jewish religious communities at large.

Moreover, the president’s actual birthday, also a secret until today, is, according to his birth certificate, the sixth day of June, in the year 1966 (6/6/66).

The document also confirms suspicions of Obama’s birthplace, which is indeed Iraq.

Authorities say there is no need to take steps to determine the document’s authenticity because clearly printed on it was most of his exact full name.

As of publication of this article, President Obama has yet to comment on the subject and its effect on his 2012 presidential bid.

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