Religious Community Anxious About God’s Latest Facebook Post

THE WORLD — Christians, Jews and Muslims this morning were shocked to read God the Almighty’s latest Facebook status, which reads as shown below:

Almost immediately, tens of thousands of comments poured in seeking clarification and begging Him not to go.

“Where are you going, Lord???” Phyllis Peterson wanted to know.

Her comment was followed by one from Vince Leroma, who wrote, “Don’t leave us! My family and I (as you know) are in hard times and we will be praying later. I pray you will hear us,” followed by one from Alison Pfeffer, who wrote, “Wait, you’re taking off? What if I, like, get into a car crash or something later? : ( ” and Carlos Deguzman, who wrote, “Yeah, boi! Get ya shit done, playa!”

These were followed by over two billion ensuing responses echoing a growing anxiety — in some cases panic — over the future of our eternal souls.

“This is the most troubling news we’ve seen on Facebook since that time ‘God is now single’ popped up in our news feeds,” Father Imus Saudomis, a local Philadelphia Roman Catholic priest, said in an interview with McOwlerson. “I wept openly when I saw that God was no longer in a relationship with the Pope. And now he’s skipping town? I tell my flock that it’s simply a test, something to strengthen our faith. I hope they don’t figure out that if God’s not around, there’s no point in keeping the faith. What will stop men from sinning then?”

God’s Facebook page has long been one of the most popular pages on the social media site, boasting around 3.6 billion online friends. To view God the Almighty’s page, go to http://www.facebook.com/godthealmighty/profile.php?id=5749omnipotence7776.

Twilight Mania Hits the Middle East, Tensions Back on the Rise

CAIRO, Egypt — Amidst the fading turmoil over the transition of governmental power in Egypt, new violence erupted in Egypt yesterday as, sparked by the recent release of Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1, Arab sects of Team Edward and Team Jacob came together in several isolated skirmishes in Tahrir Square this morning resulting in seven dead and dozens injured.

This rekindled unrest has citizens of Egypt, and the world at large, profoundly confused, as Egypt seemed to be well on its way to a successful transition to a democratic governmental system evidenced by its military rulers granting the newly appointed Prime Minister, Kamal Ganzouri, all presidential powers aside from judiciary and control of the military and the successfully holding of the first round of parliamentary elections since President Hosni Mubarak was forced out of office in February, on Wednesday.

“It was very bloody,” an Egyptian witness said. He did not want to be identified for safety reasons. “I don’t understand. Why these people do this? We get elections, we get new country, we get freedoms. Why we still fighting with each other?” The witness added that, during the clash, one man was ripped into tiny pieces on suspicion of being a vampire. This came on top of another report that a man had been seen biting the neck of a Team Jacob supporter.

“I’m no expert on Middle Eastern affairs or culture, but with the widespread appeal of the Twilight Saga, I don’t understand why anyone is surprised that there would be fans as passionate over there as those here in the U.S.,” said Stephen J. Tweedvest, PhD, a professor of Gossip Analytics at Beverly Hills Community College. “Frankly, I’m surprised their weren’t fail-safes in place for this.”

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