Hysteria Over Imagined Iranian Invasion Strikes NC Beach

Hallucinogens and a New Jersey vacationer were implicit in causing a small riot which resulted in over $3 million in property damage, township officials said.

EMERALD ISLE, N.C. — New Jersey local, Gary Fineburg, 26, last night caused a mass panic in the streets of this sleepy little shore town when he proposed to a stranger he had met while strolling the beach a scenario in which thousands of battleships were appearing on the horizon.

Unfortunately for him, and the town, the stranger happened to be under the influence of Psilocybin mushrooms and mistook Mr. Fineburg’s marijuana-induced hypothetical for the here-and-now truth. The man, last seen in a local CVS purchasing several Nyquil bottles and a bag of Skittles, immediately jumped up from his seat on the deck of Mr. Fineburg’s vacation rental home and ran all the way to the mainland raising the alarm in what several witnesses described as feverish panic.

Hugo Martin, 32, one of the first to hear the dire warnings, said, “Somebody screams ‘We’re under attack!  It’s the Iranians! We’re being invaded! Iran is storming the beach!’ like he did and, what, you’re not going to listen to him?”

Along with a small group of other passersby, upon hearing the warnings Martin threw his car in reverse, made a sloppy K-turn and floored it for home.

Soon after, a mob attacked the local Food Lion, ransacking shelves and smashing windows. Despite the apparent reckless abandon evident in the destruction, authorities found half a dozen apology notes scrawled on sheets ripped from stolen paper towel rolls.

“I’m really sorry about this. I meant no harm, but everyone else was doing it. I don’t know what came over me,” one note said. The other notes more or less echoed this sentiment.

Several other isolated incidents of looting were reported at local stores and residences on the island including one in which someone broke into the local Petsmart and stole all the puppies.

“It’s strange that this could have happened,” said Art Schools, Mayor of Emerald Isle. “It’s such a ridiculous thing to go psycho over — why would you automatically believe someone running around and screaming like a lunatic? And it’s the middle of winter; we don’t get many renters this time of year. There couldn’t be more than 400 people around. How was this much damage caused? Fuckin’ Jersey people…”

Mr. Fineburg expressed very little regret over the incident, citing that it was his vacation and that he was in too much of a good mood to care about what he had allegedly started. Instead, he lounged with McOwlerson reporters on the deck of the house his family had rented for the week, cozy in a heavy jacket and blanket, and gestured out at the blackness of the night ocean with a bemused, carefree air about him.

“Seriously, though, man. What would you do?” he said between drags on his hand-rolled joint. “It’s a fuckload of battleships coming right at you, like D-day at Normandy, and they’re all about ready to unload on the area. What do you do? Run? No! You bang your girl, pop open another beer and wish you wouldn’t have dicked around so much in your life…because that many battleships, man…you can’t escape that — it’s like a tsunami; by the time you see it coming, you’re fucked.”

The unidentified man who ran maniacally through the streets is currently sought for disturbing the peace, and township officials urge anyone with relevant information to contact local law enforcement.

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