To the Hot Girl Sitting Alone at the Bar

October 5, 2011

Dear Hot Girl Sitting Alone at the Bar,

Please stop flirting with the bartender. He is trying to work. I understand that you came to the bar tonight specifically to see if you could smile your way into his pants; I also understand that the bar is not particularly crowded tonight, but there are other glasses besides yours that need filling.

Don’t think I don’t see you sitting there on your bar stool with your plate of steak quesadillas, your legs crossed under your business skirt, your blouse tight across your bust, shoulders pushed back and covered with that striped navy blue and white cardigan, thinking that you are all that, batting your eyes and flashing toothy smiles at this guy who bartends here Tuesdays and Saturdays, at that TGI Fridays down the road Thursdays, Sundays, and Mondays, and peddles Nikes and Reeboks at Dick’s Sporting Goods most mornings as the footwear sales associate. I can tell why you like him; he’s a real winner.

The point is that I am thirsty. I cannot reach over the bar to serve myself because they yell at you and kick you out for that, so stop hogging the bartender. I do not care that you haven’t been laid in two weeks. I most certainly do not care that you are the hottest girl I have ever seen in the flesh.  And I would not for a million dollars wish that you would slide down the bar and talk to me…right here…this guy…the one professionally and gainfully employed…who could call you beautiful in three different languages and explain the subtler themes of Shakespeare…with historical context. No, by all means ignore me and throw yourself at the guy who you will probably always remember as the douche who gave you herpes.

I digress.

In two words, just stop. You are embarrassing yourself; you are making everyone else in the bar uncomfortable; and the Phillies are fucking losing this game. So please, please, please stop.

Sincerely,

The Guy Sitting Alone at the Other End of the Bar

by Dan Morgan

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Dan Morgan is Founder and Editor-in-Chief of McOwlerson Magazine.

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