New Tabloid To Spill The Beans On Other Tabloids

NGE photographers capturing the paparazzi.

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — A new tabloid, The National Gossipers Enquirer, will soon be launching with the intent of exploiting the secret lives of existing tabloids and their staffs, according to a random press release.

Promising to “give the scoop on those giving the scoop,” The National Gossipers Enquirer (NGE) stands poised as a first-of-its-kind publication. Editor-in-chief and founder, Jean Luc Arteta, says his magazine’s sole purpose is to “uncover the dirt on those digging up the dirt.”

“The National Gossip Enquirer was created to show that those who pester celebrities are real people too, and do real people things, such as washing valium down with vodka and passing out in a puddle of their own urine,” Mr. Arteta said in his tiny office off Sunset Boulevard. “We’ll have paparazzi stalking paparazzi stalking celebrities, and we’ll have paparazzi stalking paparazzi on their downtime.”

Mr. Arteta describes this brand of news as “mustard journalism.”

“It’s not quite yellow journalism,” he told McOwlerson reporters, “but it’s damn close. I also happen to think mustard is delicious and a great color. Actually, it really doesn’t have that much to do with the type of reporting we’ll be doing, now that I think about it. Maybe we’ll change the name to ScuttleBums and the Case of the Dirty Laundry. That’s going to be our first book name, anyway. Hmm, I guess I should let my team know we’re doing a book.”

Like its rumor-mongering counterparts, Star and The Sun, NGE will have a full-feature website, to which it will post pictures and video clips of other shutterbugs and writers not only at their places of employment, but also (primarily) off the job, on the streets, presumably in various states of undress or intoxication.

“Basically, we aim to provide baseless speculation on all card-carrying members of paparazzi, as it relates to their extramarital affairs, drug usage and vacation spots, as well as any alleged illegitimate offspring. It’s gonna be as libelous and defamatory as we can manage it, and that’ll be killer,” Mr. Arteta said.

Mr. Arteta got the idea for NGE quite by accident, he said.

“I was in line at Kroger, and this lady behind me, she said, ‘Maybe they should do a magazine about people who produce magazines!’ I hope she doesn’t read this and realize she lost out on what could end up being a billion dollar a year venture.”

The press release, which went viral prior to the official announcement of the publication, was found on Paparazziruuuuuuuuulez.net and gathered some 4 million hits in the 36 hours following its appearance in a trolling comment on the tech website Gizmodo.com.

The first edition of NGE is set to hit newsstands next month and can be ignored accordingly.  —by Alex Schelldorf

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