9 Ways to Get that Neighbor Kid to Stop Peeing in Your Front Yard

It all started on the first snow of the year. It was late afternoon. I had just gotten home from work and was making myself a cup of hot chocolate to warm my freezing bones. A marathon of Bones was on TV. The microwave dinged. I grabbed the steaming mug, blew on the mix of chocolate and marshmallows and looked out the kitchen window. I thought to myself, God, what beautiful scenery. Tendrils of snow caught on thin, spindly, bare branches; untouched mounds of white where the bushes should be; and…one of the neighborhood boys peeing his name into the snow around the elm my great-grandfather planted. The little sh—where is his mother!

Jamming my feet into my snow boots, I flew out the front door. Just as he finished I yelled, “Hey this is someone’s house, you know!” He just looked at me blankly, mid-zip. Hah! I thought. I’ve embarrassed you!

“What are you thinking?” I said. “Your mother know you do this?”

At this point, a fiendish grin stretched across his face and he snickered and ran away.

Disgruntled, I headed back inside, satisfied that the situation had been rectified.

I was wrong.

The little pisser was back the next day. He must have had some affinity for feeling the fresh cold winter wind on his little 12-year old twig and berries. Same spot, almost the same time. Be calm, Cait. Be calm.

“I thought I told you not to pee on my tree anymore!” I yelled when I got out there.

“No, you said ‘someone lives here’!” he yelled back.

“Stop peeing on my property!”

He gave me the finger and ran off.

As you could imagine, this did not sit well with me. Setting aside the urge to take a shovel to his preadolescent brain, I calmly sat down to strategize my solution to this quandary. Through various trial and error, I’ve since nailed down a series of fixes that eventually worked. I won’t, however, tell you which ultimately worked — I’m not certain I can safely indulge that information without suffering legal repercussions.

Hence, should you find that you’re having trouble getting that neighborhood punk to stop peeing on that old elm tree your great-grandfather planted, follow these tips:

1. Chastise him like you would any normal child. Politely and gently. “Hey, you little shit! Get the fuck off my lawn!”

2. Laugh at his little pecker. If chastising him like a normal child doesn’t work, slip on your snow boots, sneak out to him, and when you’re close enough, point at his littlest appendage and laugh maniacally. Or, if you’re a girl, you can get all gushy and coo:  “Awww! Look at the little thingy! It’s so cuute.”

3. Catch him on video in the act. If still he returns, get your video camera out and pounce on him like the paparazzi. Be sure to narrate exactly what’s been happening, who the kid is and ask him how he feels about what he’s been doing. Afterward, upload the video to your computer and post it on Facebook and YouTube. They will both be around forever, everyone knows that; hence, he will for all eternity be known as that kid who pees on people’s elm trees.

Note: Be prepared to explain to the police that you weren’t trying to get off to a little boy penis. You may also want to consult with your lawyer to see if posting the video constitutes possession or distribution of child pornography.

 

4.  Frame him for doing other bad things. Buy a bunch of porn (magazines, videos, fleshlights, etc.), then sneak into his house when no one’s home and plant it all in his room, leaving a magazine on the kitchen table to tip his mother off. When she eventually finds the rest in his room, he’ll be grounded until college and his tree-peeing days will be over.

 

5. Rig a booby trap. Get a bucket, fill it with warm water (warm so it doesn’t freeze), and tie it to said tree. When the little shit comes around again, pull the rope and douse him with water. He’ll be a little popsicle by the time he gets home — may even get pneumonia.

If water doesn’t work, try paint.

If paint doesn’t work, try urine.

If it’s not cold out (i.e., not winter), start with paint.

 

6. Buy a paint ball gun. Ruined clothes and welts, plus the bonus of hearing him squeal in a voice that hasn’t deepened yet. It’s pretty straightforward: point and shoot. It may also benefit you to learn what a finger-roll is in the world of paintballing.

 

7. Buy a tranquilizer rifle. If the paintball gun doesn’t work, you may find that you need to raise your game to a whole new level.

It’s not easy to get a tranquilizer rifle, less easy to get the dart ammunition and even harder to get the tranquilizer serum, but I promise you, it will be worth it.

Once you have everything, climb up on your roof and wait. When the little pisser shows his face, adjust your scope, hold your breath and squeeze the trigger. Pop! Thud! He’s down. Now dress him in your little cousin’s pink ballerina outfit, splash some hooker make-up on his face and drop him off at the local supermarket (ideally in the middle of the night so no one sees you). You might also want to tape a sign to him that says “I publicly urinate on my neighbors’ lawns” so the community understands why he’s being punished.

Note: Make sure you spell ‘publicly’ correct; ‘pubicly urinate’ is just redundant.

 

8. Use shock treatment. Buy a battery and bury it by the tree, then wrap wire around the adapter and the tree. As soon as his stream hits the wire the current will travel up and shock the piss out of his pisser. Sit, wait, watch and laugh.

 

9. Make him disappear. This is a last ditch effort to save your front yard. Basically, at this point you have to either let him win or go off the deep end. If you choose the latter, be sure to cover your bases and write out a will. This step involves the tranquilizer rifle and an Eastern European human trafficking organization. I’ll let you connect the dots. Good luck!

And voila! No more publicly-urinating neighborhood boy. Your great-grandfather’s ghost can rest in peace. Justice prevails!

by Caitlin Langley and Dan Morgan

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Caitlin Langley is a contributing writer to The McOwlerson Journal.

Dan Morgan is founder and editor-in-chief of The McOwlerson Journal.

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