New Lead in Egret Kidnapping Case: Victim Spotted in Europe

Authorities are stumped over how the birds managed to carry a whole human being across the Atlantic.

One of the perpetrators outside of Marseille. Egrets are known as water waders and are normally very docile creatures. There is no record of any previous Egret-Human kidnapping cases.

STUTTGART, Ger. — A man matching the description Owlie McOwlerson, the victim of a bizarre animal kidnapping last month, was this week glimpsed at a biergarten in Germany. This is the first sign of McOwlerson since he was taken from Mundanity Corporation grounds where he works in New Jersey last month.

At around 9:00 PM local standard time yesterday, frequenters of Biergarten Brunnenstüble in Stuttgart were puzzled to see a dirty, unshaven man walk through the door and approach the bar in stocking feet where he ordered, in English, a Dos Equis beer, which isn’t sold in Germany.

Lars Kristopherssen, the bartender, remarked that McOwlerson sat at the bar, smiled, began telling Kristopherssen that he didn’t always drink beer, but when he did, he preferred Dos Equis. When Kristopherssen explained that they did not sell Dos Equis, McOwlerson responded by saying in German, “This is my friend. My name is Owlie. And this is my friend.”

Which was curious, Kristopherssen said, because he was alone and appeared to have been mugged.

Gretta von Strudel, a regular at Biergarten Brunnenstüble who understood a bit of English, said that McOwlerson then proceeded to ask each of the patrons about their hobbies.

“I not have guessed he was in trouble,” von Strudel conceded when asked about the state of McOwlerson. “His spirits were very high. He smile and joke and snap his fingers, snap! snap! snap! like so. And he wink and click tongue at me.”

McOwlerson’s visit did not last long, however. According to von Strudel, approximately ten minutes after his arrival, a score of big white birds burst into the room and swarmed the at-one-time-well-dressed American, dragging him out by the shoulders of his clubbing shirt. Onlookers could only look on. McOwlerson did not seem to resist, but rather could be heard saying, “Stay thirsty, my friends!” over the vigorously flapping wings.

At the scene, McOwlerson caught up with Holden MacGroyn, the FBI agent in charge of McOwlerson’s case, who arrived only hours after the incident.

“Similar sightings have occurred in Lisbon, Barcelona, Marseille, Milan and now, of course, Stuttgart,” MacGroyn said, adding that he believed that communists were behind the abduction and that McOwlerson’s political affiliations were currently under investigation.

“Those damn commies have no honor,” continued MacGroyn. “They have no marbles! Training birds for abduction missions? Crazy bastards. They’ll feel the crisp backhand of democratic Justice, or I am not Holden MacGroyn. You can quote me on that.”

MacGroyn also hinted at the possibility of a greater conspiracy involving a cat, a eunuch, an apostrophe, Ricky Martin and the Middle East, but declined to elaborate on their interconnectivity.

To follow this story from the beginning, see Man Kidnapped By Squadron Of Egrets.

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