LOS ANGELES — The insufferably sweet yellow canary, Tweety, died yesterday in his Beverly Hills mansion of a cocaine overdose, according to sources at the Beverly Hills Police Department.
At approximately 11:21 PM PST last night, 911 dispatchers received a hectic call from an unidentified woman describing the alarmingly still, mostly-limp body of the 70 year old cartoon animal star.
Upon arriving at the mansion, Sergeant Dick McDiddlesson of the Beverly Hills Police Department found the Warner Brothers icon sprawled between the bare breasts of an unconscious Rodeo Drive hooker, a tiny string tied around his throat and a very small ball-gag stuffed in his beak.
“That just blows my mind,” Sergeant McDiddlesson told McOwlerson. “I grew up on Tweety’s cartoons. I let my son watch them. He loves them. I guess everyone’s got a bit of a fetishy side, but… It’s just a lot to take in. I mean, on the one hand, Tweety’s dead! And on the other hand, he’s a freak. Hookers and blow? How can I let my kid watch Looney Toons anymore? I just feel a little betrayed. I feel a lot of things, right now.”
Upon autopsy, Tweety was confirmed, to the shock of millions, to be a hermaphrodite.
Moreover, according to the coroner’s report, the on-screen little bundle of innocence had been pregnant at the time of his death.
Despite a high-pitched voice and long, batty eyelashes, Warner Brothers had insisted since the beginning that Tweety was a little boy bird. However, there has been much speculation on the matter by the general public.
“Of coursthe I’d alwaysth wondered about him…er…it,” Tweety’s longtime cast mate and next door neighbor, Sylvester, said. “I thought I’d had him figured when I sthaw him there on top of that hooker — he had a helluva pecker for a bird histh sthize, and it wasth sthtill hard asth hell — but, sufferin’ succotash! — I did not sthee the hermaphroditic call coming.”
Warner Brothers declined to comment on their 70-year cover-up of Tweety’s sex; they only expressed their sorrow over the loss of such an integral member of their team.
McOwlerson 
Leave a comment