E.T. — Cute Little Extraterrestrial Or Horrifically Traumatizing Creature Of Fear?

He loves Reese’s Pieces, he’s fond of Speak and Spell, and he gave Drew Barrymore her first acting gig. He’s that accidentally left behind little botanist from space who captured the hearts and minds of cinema-goers everywhere in 1982 with his harmless, quirky and shy but friendly personality. Is there really any legitimate reason to be afraid of E.T.?

POINT

Can you find a better friend than E.T.? No, you idiots, you cannot.

What do you look for in your friends, family and loved ones? You look for those who genuinely have your best interests at heart. You look for someone who brings something to the table when spending time together. You look for someone who is driven towards their own goals, so that they have their own interesting life to live and can share that with you. You look for someone who can MAKE YOUR TRANSPORTATION DEVICES FLY!

My arguments for why E.T. is awesome may be simple, but if you need more explaining, then so are you.

Here’s a list of what E.T. brings to the table:

One: He heals wounds. What’s that Elliot? You cut your finger? You must be mistaken because I just magically healed it. Shit, E.T. may be able to cure cancer! We don’t know because we chased him off our planet licketysplit.

Two: The Siamese Effect. Hey Elliot, you need some alcoholic liquid courage to stand up in class and kiss that girl you like? I got your back buddy, because if I get drunk and watch classic love movies, you get drunk and watch classic love movies.

Three: He likes Reese’s Pieces. Do you, Reader, like Reese’s Pieces? Of course you do (unless you’re a communist, but then you’re not a real person anyway). Guess who else likes Reese’s Pieces? Your good buddy E.T. does, that’s who.

Four: He laughs in the face of gravity. Are government forces chasing you and your friends? Don’t sweat it — E.T. can make you fly. And say goodbye to traffic jams, layovers, delayed and missed connection flights and your boring life as you know it, because you’ll be flying from here on out.

Seeing what E.T. can do for you, you’re probably sitting there wishing you had a friend like him, as you rightfully should.

However, there is a small fraction of people in society who are terrified of this outstanding extraterrestrial being. Do you know why they are afraid of him? They fear him because he looks different and moves different. They hate him because he is not “supermodel beautiful.” Don’t worry E.T., I see your inner beauty, and I know I’m better for it. To those of you who can’t see past his squat frame, wrinkly skin, long neck and slow, poor vocalizations: Shame. On. You.

Did I mention he can heal wounds and make you fly? That’s right, I did. Magical cures and flying — ‘Nuff said.

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Hooktaun Faunix has been hooked on phonics since sliced bread and is an avid lover of alien-propelled aviation. Between bicycle flights across the moon and rescuing extraterrestrial from the evil government, Hooktaun sometimes writes for The McOwlerson Journal.

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COUNTERPOINT

He’s Creepy!

Ladies and gentlemen, E.T. terrifies me.

He (or she…or it) is short, wrinkly, his voice sounds like he’s had a traechiotomy, he doesn’t follow direction, he screams at impromptu moments, he may have an alcohol problem and frankly, he looks a little phallic. It was too much for little five year old me. E.T. used to (and still does) make me bolt behind the couch (and then, upon getting back there, realizing I could’ve just changed the channel but it had happened so fast and the TV remote was out there with E.T. and I couldn’t reach it and now I’m too afraid to crawl back out there because he would be able to see me so I have to stay put and curl into the fetal position while E.T. plays with the Speak and Spell!). It’s always a horrible, horrible waking nightmare. I’m getting worked up just writing about it.

You might think me weird for shying away from a widely beloved children’s character — and you know what, you might be right; however, I have spent countless years (18 to be exact) proving that I am not alone in this plight.

There are many out there quietly suffering from eeteeyaphobia (ee-tee-ya-pho-bi-a) without even so much as a support group available.

Let me be the first to say:  We will no longer be silenced!

Now, people, I have nothing against the message of this movie. We’ve all, at some point in our lives, just wanted to go home and have felt like that would never happen. But couldn’t that message have been delivered by a cute little teddy bear alien with glowy feet? Why did it have to be that freaky little wrinkly thing accusingly pointing his flashlight finger at you from onscreen, wondering: “Why don’t you love me?”

I’m sorry E.T.; I’m glad you made it back home safe and sound, but there’s no way you’d be riding in the basket of my bicycle to get there.

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Alyssa Adams prefers M&Ms to Reese’s Pieces. Probably because of E.T. She also enjoys contributing to The McOwlerson Journal.

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Comments

  1. Nor on my bicycle. *shivers*

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