Jersey Shore Stars Lobby Congress For Equal Opportunity Tanning

WASHINGTON – The cast of the hit MTV reality show Jersey Shore met with Congress yesterday to lobby for the repeal of a new law prohibiting minors from using tanning beds without parental consent.

The eight self-proclaimed guidos and guidettes, known for their excessive tans, fake breasts, stifling colognes and abundant use of steroids, claimed that the new laws forbidding children under the age of 18 from using tanning beds without parental permission are impeding their money-making opportunities via sponsorship contracts with Hollywood Tans, Healthy Tans and Glow.

“Like, it’s bullshit,” Jenni “JWoww” Farley explained. “The French let their little French 5-year olds drink wine, but young Americans aren’t allowed to look good? What the fuck is that?”

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, another cast mate, concurred. “I know if I was a teenager trying to smash on girls, this would be a major problem for me. I live by GTL – Gym, Tan, Laundry. You can’t take away the ‘T’. Who’s ever heard of GL? Not this guy.”

Seven of the eight cast members arrived at the Capitol Building on Wednesday morning to make their case. The eighth, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, arrived late due to minor confusion over the location of the hearing.

“I was like, ‘What the hell? Where is everybody?’” she explained to a McOwlerson reporter afterward. “Then Ronnie hit me up and was like, ‘Bitch, where are you?’ and I was like, ‘Bitch, I’m in the lobby. Where are you?’ and he was like, ‘Slut, I’m at the hearing. Why you just waitin’ in the lobby?’ and I was like, ‘What the fuck? I thought we were lobbyin’ these people!’”

Despite the setback, the cast succeeded in making their case, and after a three hour long hearing on the merits of teen tanning, Congress ended the session even firmer in their resolve to ban the activity to underage youths, voting down New Jersey Senator Sean T. Cain’s (R) proposal to revise the law by a tally of 534-1 in one of the quickest and most lopsided resolutions in Congress’s recent history. 

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